When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is