When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
also my go-to takeaway order
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.