When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Here’s a meme
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]