When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]