When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.