when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel