when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
meow
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.