@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

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@Reverend_Scott

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

@moonstruckinnyc

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

@FunnyBison

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

@jordan_stratton

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

@thepunningman

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

@GloriaFallon123

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen