@Reverend_Scott Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
@GrantTanaka when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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@Reverend_Scott 
@moonstruckinnyc Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
@FunnyBison FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
@bazecraze Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
@SteveSuckington Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
@jordan_stratton Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
@thepunningman Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
@dmndstarpotato How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
@moxieblogger If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
@GloriaFallon123 I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen