When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.