When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.