When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.