When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
whatcha thinkin bout
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities