When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.


MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right


“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.


Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.


I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*


People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.


JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy


Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?



Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin


Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!