When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead