When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.


Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.


My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.


My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”


If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground


*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*



*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer


Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy


The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order