@OctopusCaveman

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

You Might Also Like

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@Cheeseboy22

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@Fred_Delicious

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

@T_Bonezzz_

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

@sad_tree

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

@AnOrangeSNES

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

@Alex_but_online

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order