When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
That’s not how days work.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”