When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
#Caturday
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what