When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
You Might Also Like
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
sin harder.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
when someone rings the doorbell
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”