When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor