When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.