When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I think I’ll stand
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet