When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that