when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason