When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
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the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.