@Gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

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@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@notorious_stars

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

@Shariv67

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

@TheBlessMess

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

@That_Damn_Duck

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

@amburgklur

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.