When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.


Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.


All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.


I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.


I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.


The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…


Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.