When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.