When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
You Might Also Like
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
those birds must be on payroll
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one