When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on