When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
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7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me: *calls child鈥檚 name*
…
Me: *calls child鈥檚 name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Victoria鈥檚 Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I鈥檓 extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I鈥檓 proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.