When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.