when there are deer in the woods
You Might Also Like
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that