When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*lint rolls you awake*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said