when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.