Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

👾👾👾

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood

seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords