When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My time has come.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.