When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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Möther may I have a snäck
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Thursday Thought.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.