when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.