When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*