When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that