When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.