When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out