When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
You Might Also Like
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When libraries troll their patrons.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot