When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real