when u come home smelling like another dog
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
fr
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Every work call, he judges.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”