when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Accurate
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg