when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]