when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.