When ur friends with white people
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.