when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Um … Hot Wings please
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.