When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
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peak technology
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me before I type out affect or effect
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.