When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The three genders.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases