When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
You Might Also Like
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I have so many questions.