When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
You Might Also Like
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
found this cool rock hiking today
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
War & Peace
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.