When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of